this is the Pythagorean theorem on Crack
by random moonbeam
Summary: Harry and co. come visit my math class, chaos ensues, we learn what they don't teach us in sex ed.


This is the Pythagorean Theorem on Crack

All right, here it is.  Harry & Co. come to my fourth period algebra II class.  It sounds boring I know, but you were never in my alg. Class.  I have changed all names to protect privacy, because I am paranoid about people stalking me on the Internet.  But now that I think about it that was kind of dumb, because if you recognize any of these stories than you will obviously know who all of these people really are, I am Random moonbeam, and my friend is Child of Shadows (that's her ff.n name).  Anyways, moving on.  I have condensed a whole semester into one day.  Everything about Harry & co. is made up, dialogue is remembered as best as possible, but I absolutely swear that all of these events I am writing about are 100% real.

Mrs. Sheldon:  If you don't all sit down and listen right now I am going to strangle you! 

                         I am a very patient person, but….(three people have just walked in to the

                         classroom) Who are you?

Harry:  Harry

Ron:  Ron

Hermione:  Hermione, the principle said we were supposed to come here today.

Mrs. Sheldon:  Well just find a desk somewhere. (waving her hand dismissively)  Now,

                          back to the lesson, when you're dealing with ellipses and you want to

                          find the length of the major axis…

Ron, Harry, & Hermione: (find desks)

Child of Shadows (C.S.):  hey aren't you guys characters in a book?

Ron:  Yeah

Izzy:  Then what are you doing here?

Ron:  It's the author's privilege to do anything she wants with us.

Izzy:  Oh

J.K. Rowling:  Excuse me, I am the real author here, and I didn't authorize this.  I can not

                         believe that you are making a mockery of my brilliant idea that has made

                         me millions and has captivated readers world wide.

Audience:  Aww, please Mrs. Rowling, this is a fanfic, and we were enjoying it.

Random Moonbeam (R.M.):  Besides, aren't you supposed to be writing the fifth book?

J.K. R.:  (Disappears in a cloud of smoke)

Audience:  Whew!  That was close.

R.M.:  I know!

Mrs. Sheldon:  Excuse me, is anyone listening to me?  Do you want a quiz tomorrow?

Jason:  Hey, you better watch out or we might go on strike again.

Ron:  You what?

Jason:  Go on strike.

Ron:  How?

Isaac:   Well it was complicated.  We picketed for a while.  We put a lot of chairs in the

             hallway.  We took her overhead markers and sheets, the power strip, all of the

             graphing calculators.

Izzy:  And I put games on all of them!

Jason:  Then I took the coffee pot hostage, and I tried to get her grade book, but she

             wrestled it away from me.

A/N—actually he sat on it, but she got it anyways and he started screaming rape

Alex:  (staring lovingly at the gourds sitting on his desk)  I stole her gourds!

Tiffany:  Yeah, and you broke one!

Alex:  (looks down at his desk with a crestfallen expression)

Isaac:  Yeah, but he glued it back together

Hermione:  (falls out of her desk in shock)

Mrs. Sheldon:  I really need you to pay attention to me.

R.M.:  C.S. wrote a song about it, would you like to see it.

Harry:  Ok.

A/N—C.S. really did write this, and I am putting this in her with her permission

4th Period Strike  (to the tune of "Three Blind Mice")

1.  Three imaginary square roots

     Three imaginary square roots

     Add an i

     Add an i

     Quadratic, graph, complete the square

     Quadratic, graph, complete the square

     Know all three,

     Know all three.

2.  The students strike

     The students strike

     The teacher threatens

     The teacher threatens

     "I'm putting games on the calculator"

     "I'm putting games on the calculator"

      Everything out in the hall

      Everything out in the hall

3.   The gourd is broken

      The gourd is broken

       "Where's the glue?"

       "Where's the glue?"

       "I have the green pen and I'm keeping it."

       "I have the green pen and I'm keeping it."

       Strike, strike, strike,

       Strike, strike, strike.

Mrs. Sheldon:  The Pythagorean theorem states that a2 + b2 =c2  

(A/N—I didn't know how to make that squared symbol)

Tiffany:  Mrs. Sheldon?  How many times have you been married?

Mrs. Sheldon:  What?

Tiffany:  Do all of your sons have the same father?

Jason:  No, I'm Justin's father.

Brooke:  Who's Justin?

Tiffany:  Her son, he's a sophmore.

Jessica:  Wait, Jason if you're Justin's father then you would have only been a little baby

              when…

Jason:  So?

Jessica:  (gasp!)  Can little baby boys really get someone pregnant?"

Isaac:  NO

Jessica:  Really?  How do you know?

Jason:  Because when little boys are born they don't have balls.

R.M.:  Gasp!

C.S.:  Gasp!

Izzy:  gasp!

Jessica:  Gasp!

Hermione:  (Is passed out cold now)

Ron:  Do you think Hermione's dead?

Harry:  No, the author needs a better reason than little boys not having balls to kill

            Hermione.

Jessica:  So, how do guys get balls then?

Jason:  Well, you see they just drop down later.

R.M.:  They just drop down?!?

Izzy:  Is it a gradual process or do they just all of a sudden drop?

Isaac:  I don't know.

R.M.:  How can you not know?

Isaac:  It's just not something you pay a lot of attention to.

A/N—Yeah!  Like we believe that!

Jessica:  Why don't they teach us important things like that in sex ed?

R.M.:  Yeah really, I mean can't you just see some girl having a baby, and then getting

            really upset and taking her baby to the doctor because he didn't have any balls?

Tiffany:  Mrs. Sheldon?  Did you hear what Brooke just said?  She said I didn't have any

               boobs!!!

Ron:  Well, she is kind of flat…

Harry:  Yeah, but she does have boobs.

Mrs. Sheldon:  Tiffany, can we please get back to our lesson?

Tiffany:  (looking at the inside of her collar)  OMG!  Brooke, look at this!  (gets up and

                walks over to Brooke's desk staring at her shirt in horror)

Brooke:  What?  (Looks over at Tiffany's shirt to see what's wrong)

Tiffany:  (Grabs the collar of her shirt and pulls it down as far as she can, giving Brooke

               quite an eyeful)  See, I do have boobs!

Harry:  Hey Ron, do you think f I told Tiffany that I didn't think she had any boobs she'd

             flash me too?

Ron:  Probably not.

Aaron:  Hey Mrs. Sheldon, you want to know something I heard about Justin?

Jason:  Aaron!  Shut up!!!!!

Mrs. Sheldon:  What?

Aaron:  Last week he went to the bathroom, but then someone else went in there, and

             caught him masturbating!

Mrs. Sheldon:  (turns absolutely white)  That's it.  I'm not teaching this class anymore.

Isaac:  Hey Jason, guess what time it is?  It's sub time!  (pulls a sub out of his bookbag

           and starts eating it)

Aaron:  Hey Isaac, can I have the foil that was wrapped in?  I'll show you how to make a

             pipe out of it. It's common stoner knowledge (makes pipe out of aluminum foil)

Isaac:  Stoner knowledge?  Isn't that an oxymoron?

Mrs. Sheldon:  (has begun teaching again)  In this case a2=b2+c2…

C.S.:  This is the Pythagorean theorem.  THIS is the Pythagorean theorem on crack.

Aaron:  Mrs. Sheldon, can I go to the bathroom?

Mrs. Sheldon: You know you aren't allowed to leave this classroom anymore.

Aaron:  But…umm…I need some tissue to blow my nose, and there isn't any in here.

Mrs. Sheldon:  I'll go get you some.  (Comes back a minute later looking very

                         embarrassed, but with a role of toilet paper)

Tiffany:  what's wrong?

Mrs. Sheldon:  Well, there wasn't any t.p. in the girls bathroom, so I went to the janitor's

                         closet and picked the lock to steal a role of t.p., but when I opened the

                         door the janitor was sitting in there.  So here's your tissue Aaron.

Aaron:  (Throws the t.p. at Isaac in irritation)

Isaac:  Jason, I'm gong to turn you into a mummy.

Jason:  Ok.

Isaac:  (Gets up and uses the whole role of t.p. to wrap Jason's whole body to his desk.

Izzy:  (Gets up and pours water on Jason's head, but he doesn't notice through all the

           layers of t.p.)

Isaac:  (Writes 'I am king gay' in red marker on the t.p. on Jason's forehead0

Izzy:  (Takes pictures, and tells Jason she's going to put them in the year book)

Jason:  (Gets upset, and pulls off all the t.p.)

Principal:  (walks by the classroom)

Aaron:  Hey!  Hey!  HEY!  She's doing crazy stuff in here!

Principal:  (Looks into the classroom)

Aaron:  She's trying to brainwash us!

Principal:  (Laughs at Aaron and walks away)

Izzy:  Hey, lets have a pool party!

Jason:  How?

Izzy:  R.M. has a blow-up swimming pool with her.

Isaac:  Really?  Can we blow it up?

R.M.:  Sure  (Hands Isaac and Jason box with inflatable pool in it)

Isaac & Jason:  (start blowing up the pool)

Mrs. Sheldon:  Isaac!  Jason!  Stop it right now!

Isaac & Jason:  (stop)

A few minutes pass

Isaac:  Come on, let's finish blowing it up, she won't notice.

Isaac & Jason:  (finish blowing up the pool)

Mrs. Sheldon:  (shoots evil looks at Isaac and Jason)  

Isaac & Jason:  (put swimming pool in the middle of the classroom)

Whole class:  (gets into the swimming pool)

Mrs. Sheldon:  (comes and sits by the swimming pool)

Yearbook staff:  (comes in and takes pictures)

Alex:  (gets up and leaves)

Ron:  Where did Alex go?

Isaac:  He had to leave for a soccer game.

Jason:  (pretending to cry) sniff, sniff, My homosexual boyfriend left to go play with

            other boys' balls.

Mrs. Sheldon:  (stares at Jason in horrified shock)  I can't believe you just said that!

The bell rings

Ron:  That class seemed so long, even longer than double potions, but in a good way.  I

          just don't understand.

R.M.:  It's because we are on the block system!  (runs off cackling evilly with her pool)

Ron:  Weird! 

Harry:  I can't wait to come back tomorrow!

Hermione:  (shudders)

Mrs. Sheldon:  (goes to support group for teachers with crazy students)

Disclaimer—j.k. rowling owns harry & co. my math class owns itself


End file.
